Hello. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Harold Sphincter, and I am running for fifth grade class president.
My opponent, Kelly Krang, has chosen to besmirch me with a decidedly negative campaign, focusing on my personal life, fabricating vicious hit pieces, like Harry Sphincter eats his boogers.
I could distract you with lofty promises like my unscrupulous opponent. Promises of vending machines in every classroom and extended recess. But I want to convey that Harold Sphincter is all about the truth. And I’m here to set the record straight, right here, right now.
I was a dumpster baby, born prematurely to an unwed and unprepared teenaged mother, and subsequently tossed in the trash as an infant. I survived 17 hours in an alley way dumpster on a hot August day, before my cries were heard, before I became a ward of the state. My birth mother did time in a juvenile facility for discarding me like a half-eaten Big Mac. I never knew my father. Could have been anybody.
If you can overcome being a dumpster baby, my opponent’s nasty, abhorrent campaign is a fart in the wind. She can drag my good name through the mud all she wants. Dumpster babies are born leaders, and I was born to be fifth grade president at Felcher Elementary.
At four years old, I received a hair transplant. I was in diapers until second grade, but I never let it stop me from performing musical theater, even as I was branded “Pampers” and mercilessly teased by many of my peers. If you are among them, I hold no ill will. I shall cast no stones, and come election day you’ll be calling me President Pampers.
My opponent, Kelly Krang, is woefully unprepared for public office. She has lived a privileged life, has no perspective, has had zero adversity to overcome. My opponent has never been tossed in a dumpster, abandoned, unloved. She has never lived in a foster home with a meth dealer and her lover, Bruce. She was never misdiagnosed with leprosy.
Kelly Krang is unfit for the presidency because she hasn’t been challenged. The duties of public office would overwhelm her, and Felcher Elementary deserves better than an overwhelmed and incapable fifth grade president.
One of my foster moms forced me to run a lemonade stand, and kept all the money for herself. But through that experience, I learned about entrepreneurship, about responsibility. I worked with a quota, and vastly exceeded that quota, just as I would outperform expectations as your president.
I will fight for the rights of transgendered students to use whichever bathroom they choose. I will fight for greater diversity in our morning announcements crew. I will make the tough choices, so you won’t have to.
So let Kelly Krang attempt to assassinate my character. A desperate move from a desperate, unqualified candidate, offering nothing but a slew of empty promises.
The administration will not push back the start of the school day till eight ‘o’ clock. Coldplay will not perform at our spring assembly. We have to be pragmatic, and I, Harold Sphincter, am the reasonable, realistic, and capable candidate our class deserves.
If this race is nothing but a popularity contest to you, then I honestly don’t know what to tell you. Kelly Krang sits at the “cool” table, and doesn’t wear a retainer. Congratulations are in order.
*** SARCASTIC APPLAUSE ***
We should all laud her crowning achievements.
I am the only viable candidate for the Felcher Elementary fifth grade presidency. I am a centrist with the ability to work across the aisle with our administration, to strike compromise, all the while lobbying for the interests of our wonderful class. I have the necessary relationships with our faculty, to bridge the gap between student and teacher, student and principal. I will even draw the attention of the schoolboard, on such hot button issues as the reduction or outright elimination of standardized testing, so we can let our teachers educate us their way, rather than teach to the test.
I cannot and will not promise you victory, but I guarantee I will fight for our interests, every day I am in office. I am Harold Sphincter, and I will be your fifth grade president.