Donald Trump’s Republican Nomination Acceptance Speech: leaked first draft

Degenerate Nation’s mole in the Trump campaign blew a guy, who blew another guy, who had a copy of Donald Trump’s original draft for his notorious Republican nomination acceptance speech:

 

Cleveland. Great city.  Wonderful people.  Hard workers.  Lebron James.  Make America Great again.

I am standing at the precipice of tremendous power. Nobody bought my steaks.  They were great steaks.  Best steaks.  But soon I will have the nuclear codes, my large hands poised to press the red button.  We’re going to make America safe again.

I am a sexual being. I love women.  Not as people, but as objects.  As flesh.  Best flesh.  Women love me.  They scratch and claw at each other for the opportunity to be groped by my large hands.   I know women.  I’ve owned beauty pageants.  I enjoy judging women solely on their appearance.  I penetrate my wife.  Isn’t she beautiful?  My daughters, too.  Very sexy.  Best daughters.

Immigrants are ruining this country. My country.  I’m telling you, we have too many immigrants.  They’re taking our jobs.  Their children are dumb.  They’re crowding our schools.  They’re rapists and murderers, and some, I assume, are mariachi singers. 

We’re going to build a wall, not to keep the Mexicans out, but to insulate white America from anything and anyone different. Different is dangerous.  And by the transitive property, Mexicans are dangerous.  We’re going to build a wall.  And trust me, I know building.  Hotels, towers, resorts, golf courses, a giant, gaudy wall with outdoor advertising.  And Mexico is going to pay for it.  Possibly in blood.  If you see a Mexican today, kick them.  Give them a good hard kick.  There’s no room at the inn, Maria. 

(pause for “Build That Wall” chant)

You guys are great. I draw the best crowds.  Beautiful people.  Passionate.  Boiling over with hatred.  Sweet, sweet hatred. 

Let’s talk about my penis. I gotta tell you, I am well endowed, OK?  There are no problems with my penis.  Girthy, high performance.  Best penis.  I gotta tell you, it’s presidential.  This is a penis you can trust. 

We’re going to save the second amendment. They want to take your guns.  Let me tell you, not gonna happen.  I will save your guns.  In fact, I’m starting a gun manufacturing company, right here in Cleveland. 

(pause for Applause)

We’re gonna have the best guns.    

China. China is killing us in trade.  We’re going to make them pay a king’s ransom to export their goods here.  You’re going to be buying products made in America, by Americans.  Unless it’s my clothing line.  Do not let my empty rhetoric deter you from purchasing my clothes.  I own the best sweatshops.  Children with tiny fingers, expertly stitching.  I gotta tell you, I can’t sew like these kids can.  My fingers are too big.  Big fingers.  See?

A lot of my critics, they say, what is your platform? Make America Great Again is not a platform, they say.  They’re right.  It’s an ethos.  Making America Great Again is jobs.  It’s banning Muslims, keeping us safe.  It’s setting traps for Mexicans.  It’s assigning merits to women solely based on their subjective outward appearance, and systematically demolishing their self esteem.  It’s setting more elaborate traps for Mexicans in case the first traps malfunction.  We’re going to Make America Great Again.

 

 

 

 

 

Letter to Jared Fogle

fogle

 

Dear Mr. Fogle,

My name Xang Xu.  I 8 years old.  I live in the Guangdong province of China.  Maybe you watch secret videos of girl my age from same province?

I work Apple factory every day.  I work very long hours.  Make IPhone 4, 5, 6 all day.  I ride bus long way to Apple factory with workers, some young like me, some very old.  I make assemble IPhone 4, 5, 6 parts very fast, sometimes until fingers bleed.  Work very fast, very hard.  If I bleed on IPhone 4, 5, 6 while make assemble, Supervisor scream and beat me.  If worker bleed worker pay for product loss out of wage.  Very low wage very long hours.

Factory building very tall, many floors.  Few windows but sometimes workers jump out windows to die.  Very sad but job fill next day.  IPhone 4, 5, 6 make assemble for white girl 22 years old in United State to lose drunk at bar and cry.  White girl lose IPhone 4, 5, 6, worst thing to happen in life.  I make more IPhone 4, 5, 6 for white girl parent to replace.  Make IPhone 4, 5, 6 until fingers bleed but no cry.  If cry Supervisor beat me and workers not allowed make eye contact with me until mistake rectify many time over or Supervisor beat whole line of assembly to make bodies bleed, not just fingers.

Make IPhone 4, 5, 6 faster than boy of age 6 next to me, but no bonus monies for work faster better.  Bonus is Supervisor not to beat me.

Father very skill.  Build drones for Alibaba make deliveries.  Mother work Apple factory but jump out window.  I see her fall but not allow to cry or Supervisor beat me twice.  One for cry, two for loss production of IPhone 4, 5, 6 from mother.

I don’t like work for Apple factory, but family need money for electricity and eat Kentucky Fried Chicken.  I don’t like Kentucky Fried Chicken but no other place open when come home from Apple factory on bus.  No time to cook food when come home from Apple factory.  So eat Kentucky Fried Chicken.  Very greasy but taste more good than Subway sandwich.  Subway sandwich, meat too thin.  Subway sandwich, bread soggy, taste like swamp bread.  Subway lettuce cause to vomit.

Mr. Fogle, I would like new job.  As you can see from letter, I can write American words.  You are in very deep trouble for pay intercourse with young girls.   I don’t understand why you don’t go trip to Thailand for pay intercourse with young girls and boys.  Very popular for white men.

You in deep trouble and lose endorsement for all Subway restaurant monies.  And lose freedom from prison.  Make new friends soon in prison, yes?  Friends who make intercourse with you that you do not ask for, yes?

Mr. Fogle, you need Officer of Public Relations to restore image of not-fat white man of below average face looks.  New image is not-fat white man of below average looks who like watch sex movie of children and pay for intercourse with young girls and ruin family.

To work for you is to be upgrade from work Apple factory.  Even though you might find me very sexy and low pay from scrubbing your own butt blood off prison shower floor not good enough to make wage good for me, I want escape from Apple factory.  I want escape very bad.  Please let me write many many letters to repair American public idea of you.  I can not make assemble any more I Phone 4, 5, 6 or go crazy forever crazy.

There is very large banner of Steve Jobs in black turtleneck at Apple factory stare at us and empower Supervisors to beat us through his ruthless divinity that haunts from grave.

Please may I come to America and work for you, Mr. Jared Fogle?

Sincere,

Xang Xu.

 

 

Dear Xang,

Show me your dick.

Best,

Jared Fogle